The Best of Man's Best Friends

Today was a very hard day. I've been seeing it coming for quite a while, but it still wasn't any easier. We had to put my childhood dog Jesse to sleep today. She's been battling cancer and arthritis for years, and in the last year or so her health has been declining pretty rapidly. My dogs and cats are members of the family, so losing her has been very very difficult.

We all stayed in the room with her while the doctor gave her the medicine that finally took her out of her misery. I didn't plan to stay in the room, I thought it would be too hard. But I did, and in a way I'm glad that I did. It was a very peaceful procedure, though devastating to watch. She didn't whine or cry, always stoic, even in the end. She was such a caring dog, and faithful no matter what. I'm sad that I don't have any pictures to post, I would like to, but my parents have most of them, and all my pictures are on my external HD (goodness knows where that is at the moment.)

There is so much to say but I just can't get it out at the moment, I'm a mess with emotions right now. What I do know is that she's in doggie Heaven waiting for us to get there and chasing squirrels, I'm sure of it.

Love you Jess.

Missing Piece(s)

I have been mentally writing blogs in my head for months, too bad I never get it down on paper. Well, not paper, on screen. Oh well, we'll see how this one goes. I have been going through a time lately....not a bad time, and not a great time, just a time. I feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. But I don't really think I'm at mid-life and it's not really a crisis, so really? I don't know WHAT it is.

I've been struggling with defining myself lately. Who am I? I am a person who should, for all intents and purposes, be loving life. But I haven't been. Dunno why, just not. I have many great things to be thankful for and I am every day. My family is great, my mom is my best friend. My dad, sister, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles are all fabulous too (WELL, mostly ALL are fabulous). My friends are phenomenal, even those that are far away are always there for me. I have tons of friends that I work with and see regularly that I love spending time with. I have two dogs and two cats that keep me on my toes and that I am proud to say that I take responsibility for. I have a house, car, food on the table, etc.

So, what is wrong with me? Why do I feel like something is missing? WHAT is it that is missing? I know you're all probably filling in the blanks with the usual: husband and kids, THAT'S what she's getting at. But really? I've come to the conclusion that those things will happen if they're meant to happen. Don't get me wrong, I DO want them to happen, just not sure they will. And if they don't well then, I guess I'll just be okay with that.

So what to do? How to figure out just what IS causing this feeling of anxiety? Find new hobbies? Check. Spend money? Check. Shhhh, don't tell Dave. Eat? Check. Clean house? Well, haven't done that one. Wallow in self-pity. Check. Blog/Facebook/Tweet about it? Check/Check/Check. Talk to people? Who?

And really, to address that. Who the hell wants to hear about all my problems, the world doesn't revolve around me. All my friends have their own lives, families, husbands, kids, houses, jobs, whatever. So what then? What to do? I guess what I always do. Cry some, think about what could be, what should be, what might be. Then just keep on keepin' on. Same old same old. Get up everyday and go do what I do.

And maybe someday? I'll figure out what piece is missing from my puzzle.